Peanut Butter


Riley: Hello, Hoomen. I see you are making a sammich on this frosty morn.

Heather: Yes, I’m making Oakley’s lunch.

Riley: Am I mistaken, or do I smell…peanut butter?

Heather: Well, since you shot out of the bedroom as soon as you heard me open the jar, I’m assuming you already knew it was peanut butter.

Riley: I enjoy peanut butter immensely.

Heather: Yes, I know.

Riley: So….wanna share? I’ll take a spoonful, please. Crunchy, if you have it.

Heather: No, Riley. You’ve been a very naughty girl this morning, and I’m not going to give you a treat just now.

Riley: Whatever do you mean??

Heather: Did you, or did you not, steal my socks this morning?

Riley: I did.

Heather: And weren’t you the doggie who nosed through the trashcan in the bedroom right after the sock incident?

Riley: The very same.

Heather: And didn’t you also steal the sock from Jamie’s foot when we woke him up a few minutes ago?

Riley: That was a good one.

Heather: And, as if all that weren’t enough, did you not JUST take the bread twist tie from the counter??

Riley: Now, I’m not sure what you’re talking about there…

Heather: What did I fish out of your mouth a second ago?

Riley: Um…something blue?

Heather: Yeah, no peanut butter.

Riley: You know I’m a dog, right? I don’t understand delayed punishments like withholding treats. That doesn’t work. I thought we took training classes together?

Heather: No peanut butter.

Riley: You know, many people would say you still do everything for your teenage kids because you can’t let go, but I’d nominate you Mother of the Year.

Heather: No.

Riley: But look at me! I’m sitting so pretty for you! I’m adorable! How can you deny me?

Heather:   . . .

Riley: Oh, it’s like that, is it? I’m sorry, but you’ve left me no choice. Hey, Lady… check out these puppy dog eyes. Gaze into my warm, brown eyes, Hooman. Look at me…see the affection I have for you…

Heather: Yes, Riley. I love you, too.

Riley: Well, love is a very strong word…

Heather: No peanut butter, Riley. Maybe later.

Riley: Mmbrmhhmmmbbb…..

Heather: What are you…? Oh, for Pete’s sake! DROP IT!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DOG!!!!!

Riley: So…where are we on this peanut butter issue?

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