Bad Things

Me. Every damn day.

Friends, if, like me, you are drawn to potato chip flavors like salt and vinegar or dill pickle, you may be tempted to try a bag of Utz’s Fried Dill Pickle chips. You may think you enjoy the mix of dill pickle and ranch with the first couple of chips. You’ll find you enjoy the second handful slightly less. But by then, you may have eaten half the bag, and the miser in you won’t let you throw them away. But you’re not going to keep half a bag of chips in your car; that’s untidy. So you might be inclined to finish the bag, sharing a handful with the dog, who is breathing heavily in your ear because there is food in the car. Once the dog joins the party, you’ll find both of you have a very bad dill/ranch taste in your mouths, though the dog hardly cares. She licks her butt, after all.

You may then decide to stop at a market on your way home to purchase a flavored beverage, to rid your mouth of the chip nastiness. If, like me, you are drawn to flavored iced teas, you might pick up a Lipton Peach tea. And you might just pluck a pack of Hostess Ho-Ho’s off the shelf for good measure, because it’s a proven fact that chocolate freshens breath. And there’s a very good chance you might have PMS.

Upon taking your first swig of the peach iced tea and downing half the bottle, you might discover, as I did, that this flavor is nasty as hell and does not resemble a peach in any way.

In the next moment, you might feel very strongly that chocolate is the only thing that can save you now, and rip into the Ho-Ho’s, as I did. Like me, you won’t share that with the dog, because chocolate is bad for dogs. And because you’ll cut anyone who suggests you share your Ho-Ho’s. It is now more than obvious that you, like me, have PMS.

Though the chocolate and cream cake is glorious – and make no mistake, it is glorious – once consumed, you might think you’d been a bit hasty when making the decision to purchase this item. A better choice would have been an apple, but let’s be realistic.

Once the syrupy peach thing and the dill/ranch mess start mingling in your tummy, you might feel, as I did, a bit unwell. And when the delicious cake and cream goodness show up to the party, far from making things all better, they might just make you feel badly about your life choices. All of them. Including the earlier and clearly fatal decision to share the disgusting chips with the dog, who’s farts, already legendary, are now laced with the chemically-formulated odour du dill et ranch, an unsurprisingly noxious combo that will asphyxiate even the strongest person.

Those with PMS, and a normal sense of smell, are strongly urged to avoid this situation. If, like me, you don’t want your eyes burning all the way home while your stomach signals a purge is a’ comin.

Good Lord, how did I get here?? you’ll wonder, wiping your eyes and praying for the end while the dog paces in the back of the minivan, polluting the last of the clean air.

It all started with Utz’s Fried Dill Pickle chips.

Friends. Do not do this thing.

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