WHERE IS THAT GUY??

This is what happens when John goes away for a few days…

Riley, the Big Red Girl, was a little bored this morning. The Lady Hoomen, whom Riley tolerates only because she supplies food and water, wanted to sleep in on a Saturday (rude). Being ever the thoughtful dog, Riley wanted to help The Lady become more of a morning person by waking her up first around 5:30, then 6:00, then again at 6:30. Sadly, it didn’t work, which is weird, because The Lady gets up every day at 5:30 so why should Saturday be any different? Her attempts to help only made That Woman cranky and Riley watched with disgust as she crawled back into bed after Riley’s morning constitutional. The Man Hoomen, whom Riley adores because he’s THAT GUY WHO WAS GONE BUT CAME BACK!!, is away this weekend, and Riley doesn’t understand why he would abandon her, leaving her with The Others to care for her. She’s trying to work through it. 

When The Lady finally hauled herself out of bed, Riley repeatedly pushed her wet nose into The Lady’s thighs or whatever body part happened to present itself, which is dog-speak for PLAY WITH ME NOW. This had very little effect, so as a follow up, Riley sniffed and nipped incessantly at the legs of The Lady’s jeans as she tried to put them on. She did this like she’d never before smelled denim, she sniffed like it was her JOB. But did she get a “good girl” for all her hard work? No. This only made The Lady call out her full dog name loudly (RILEY DAMMIT), but playtime did not commence. So Riley followed The Lady into the bathroom, where she was forced to repeatedly place her most treasured and smelly toy on The Lady’s lap when she sat down to pee. Astonishingly, despite all the obvious clues, the tug of war still didn’t happen, which was really just the absolute limit for Riley. She barked at The Lady. The Lady told her to CUT IT OUT. Riley didn’t consider this adequate attention.

Eventually, The Lady was dressed and walking around the house with purpose. Surely this meant it was TIME TO PLAY. The Lady gave Riley lots of scratches and chest rubs, and that was all well and good, but the balls and the half-eaten carcasses of her favorite stuffed animals lay untouched around her, though she’d thoughtfully scattered them all over the living room floor for easier access. Was no one going to throw a ball? Was there any hope at all for a tug of war? Not even a bit of high-spirited wrestling on the bean bag? WHERE IS THAT MAN???

After a few moments of frantic toy sorting, Riley realized The Lady was looking at her lovingly, and cooing soft words to her in a sing-song voice. That was kind of nice. It sounded very much like she was saying nice words, and for a moment, Riley felt calm and relaxed, almost like she could just…lay down. But then…WHAT WAS THAT NOISE OUTSIDE?? NEIGHBOR IS OPENING GARAGE DOOR!! MUST WARN EVERYONE!! THE END IS NIGH!!!

The Lady sighed and put on her shoes. “C’mon, Riley!” she called and Riley knew something was going to happen. She wasn’t sure if it was going to be a good something, because you can never trust That Woman. Sometimes she puts the leash on you, and you think you’re going for a walk, but you’re not, the leash is only to keep you from jumping up on visitors. That’s just wrong. But something in The Lady’s voice excited her. Riley followed.

They went downstairs and into the garage. Oh my!! We’re going in the car! CAR RIDE TIME IS MY FAVORITE ROLL DOWN THIS WINDOW IMMEDIATELY. They went to Dunkin’ Donuts, where Riley made friends with another hoomen, this one handing food from a really big window to The Lady. MUST GO IN THAT OTHER WINDOW! But The Lady wouldn’t let her. She spoils all the fun. Still, Riley got a Munchkin out of it, so it wasn’t all bad. Riley made a mental note to bring That Man here. Surely, he would let Riley investigate that other window further.

They headed for home and Riley thought that was the end of their adventure, but no. The Lady did something really special for Riley – she took her to a local farm to smell the animals! BEST DAY EVER. There is a farm nearby with sheep and goats and chickens and Riley just loves them all. The Lady stopped at the side of the road and rolled down the window so Riley could see her friends. ALL THE SHEEP! LET ME OUT THEY NEED ME THEY ARE CALLING ME! SHEEEEEEEP!!!! But, again, The Lady wouldn’t let Riley out of the car. Even so, at that moment, Riley loved The Lady for bringing her to see her animal friends. The Lady turned the car around and stopped so Riley could see the animals on the other side of the road. GOATS GOATS GOATS GOATS! CHICKENS!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the way home, Riley decided to forgive The Lady for not playing with her at 5:30 this morning, and for not being That Guy. After all, The Lady does play with her after she wakes up, and she takes her for long walks. And she gives the best under arm scratches. And she realizes that belly rubs are for losers. Riley waited patiently while The Lady ate her donut and drank a very large iced coffee. She busied herself with nipping at the children. And then, oh joy of joys!! PLAYTIME! There was fetch with five different balls and chase the bottle and MY BALL IS UNDER THE SOFA AGAIN GET IT NOW HOOMEN. And, as if it couldn’t get any better – TUG OF WAR! Riley and The Lady Hoomen played and played until the stuffed animals had all been killed and Riley was panting. The Lady was too, a bit.

Even though The Lady lacked many important qualities found only in that most perfect of hoomens – That Guy, Riley realized The Lady was doing her best. She’d have to be content with that. After all, until That Guy comes back, The Lady is all she’s got.